a look into my life................

i am sitting here at the computer, sunday night late, wanting to write something and not really knowing what to write.

i decided i would write about the miracle of how hannah came to be.i met david when i was 20. he was larger than life and i knew the night i met him, that we would marry. for me it was love at first sight. david and i got married at 22 just a few years later we decided we would begin a family. i remember in our wedding book, there was a page that was titled hopes and dreams, that God would do miraculous things through us in our marriage. it was a marriage made in heaven. we didn't have any money at all.we were so poor. but we were in love and that was all that mattered. i hadn't even finished college, but we thought we were ready. we were about 24. we were full of hopes and dreams, like most people have when they decide to begin a family. our child would have david's sense of humor and my brown eyes. they would be very funny just like their dad.

we began trying and a year flew by, nothing happened.we weren't really worried about it, but decided to go to my gyn. doctor. knowing that he would be able to help us, with something, and soon enough we would be pregnant. we were living in a one bedroom tiny apartment at the time. it was so small. but that didn't matter. well we did go to the doctor, and he put us on clomid. and what do you know we were pregnant within three months. i was so elated. there are no words to describe how david and i felt. i was on a mountain top. i called everybody in my life, even those that weren't, to tell them the good news. Wow God was faithful. we were attending Grace Fellowship at the time. that is where we met becky and andy dickson. our church family was so excited for us. we all celebrated. i had started back to college to become a teacher at the time. we found our we were pregnant in the late summer or early fall.

i remember beginning to spot around ten weeks, nobody really thought much about it. neither did i. but i went in to have a sonogram. we saw the heartbeat and everything was fine. earlier the next week, i began to spot again and went into the emergency room, because it was a sunday night. they did another sonogram and said just to go home and take it easy. i went in the next morning to my doctor and they said they could no longer find a heartbeat. they sent me across the street to shannon to have a better sonogram. they came up with the same conclusion. as we sat in the doctors office, he began to tell me that i had a choice, i could wait a few days and have the miscarriage naturally or i could schedule a d and c. i said i would like to wait a few days. he said either way they would have to go in and make sure that everything was ok. i left the room knowing that God would use us in someway in this, and that he was in control. i even remember witnessing to the doctor as he told me i was taking this very well. i went to the ladies of the church to see what i should do and was met with the old speech if you have enough faith God would bring my baby back. i remember them shattering the faith that i had, thinking that i had caused this somehow. but God was so gracious to me. he sent me two beautiful women who had been through the same thing and they told me that it was very painful to have the miscarriage naturally, and that the doctors would have to go in there and check things out anyway. they said to ease my heart, to have one more sonogram, before the d and c began just to make sure their was no heartbeat. their words brought much comfort to me and i followed their advice.

i lost our first baby the fall that i graduated, from college. i remember feeling so numb. but somehow i knew that God would take care of us. little did i know that the real trial was about to began. it was after christmas, that i remember my world starting to crumble. i really thought that we would get pregnant just as soon as we learned it was safe to begin again. but that did not happen. and that is where the inner struggle began. every month i would have a new revelation of when we would conceive. i was going to have twins, nope that was not for me, it was for my little sister. she became pregnant with twins. ok try again, i am going to have the first son on the poynor side, nope that was my sister-in-law in dallas. ok i was going to have a little brown haired brown eyed boy, nope that was my best friend from high school that i was still in touch with. ok God i know your up there was my last desperate cry. i'll never forget the night that my sister-in-law called to tell us that they were accidentally pregnant. they already had a daughter that was in jr.high and another in 5th grade. i was so devastated. we lived about six blocks away from david's parents. my mom-in-law looked at me to see if i was ok, i shook my head yes, but inside i thought i was being punished. maybe if, i was catholic, ( my in laws are)maybe if i...... you fill in the blank. i remember walking out of their house david following behind me, i just turned to david and said, please i just want to walk home by myself. he let me.

as i walked home, i just cried out to God out loud, if i had cancer you would help me,if i was a drug addict, if i was a prostitute you would care. but i am just this stupid servant girl who has loved you all of her life, served you, taught sunday school, did the youth group, tithed, and where are you. you are nowhere that i am. i remember walking and yelling at God for a long time. i got home later that night, i just went to bed. i didn't get out of bed for three days.

during that three days, i just laid in bed crying out to God, where are you? when i finally fell asleep, i had a dream. in this dream, i was in a hole in the ground screaming and yelling for anyone to help me, please someone help me. no one did. i just sat in this hole, begging and crying for anyone to come and lift me out. i looked up, and there shone a brilliant light. it was God. and in the dream He said that one day i would stand in front of a large crowd and tell my testimony of how God had delivered from us from infertility, and blessed us with a child.

now you think i would have awaken with a renewed heart, a fresh hope, but i didn't, i was so angry. i got out of bed that morning only to start searching the scripture to prove that God was a liar. i searched the scriptures high and low to find one woman in the bible who asked God for a child, and He hadn't delivered one. i remember i became very bitter and angry and very difficult to be around. david and i were still in faithful attendance to church, but i was dead in side. oh don't get me wrong i knew how to put on a happy smile and fake it. but inside, i was a hollow shell.

in the fall of 95, david and i moved to dallas. we needed a fresh start and i couldn't find a job in san angelo. so we moved to addison. God was so merciful to me, even though i was still trying to prove that He was not faithful, He provided me with a great job at little elm texas. i was going to teach 4th grade. i had stopped searching the scriptures to discredit God, i had started to try to find real living people who He had not been faithful to in this area.

we started going to Christian Life Assembly, which is right down the street from prestonwood baptist church, it wasn't there then. we fell in love with that church and began helping with the youth. i was loving my job and church, but i was still numb inside and began to eat away the hurt. every little girl, in my class, i looked at might be what my little girl might look like, every little boy would be the answer to david's dream. i ate myself to 199lbs. food was my drug of choice. i just kept pushing those feelings of rejection by God, further and further down with each bite of food. we stopped trying to get pregnant with the aides of drugs, because a dr. in san angelo told us we would never get pregnant, and frankly i just didn't have it in me anymore.

after my first year of teaching, one day, my sister called me and told me i ought to go and try dr. martin in san antonio. i was so frighted, if we tried again with a real fertility doctor and it failed, then that was truly the end of the rope. i just couldn't. i had slowly began to make peace with God, during that first year of teaching, that it just wasn't His will for me to have children, and that I loved Him, and i could except that my life just would not include me having my own children. i had other children that i could make a difference in their life. Plus maybe david and i could maybe adopt one day. anyway she kept bugging me and we decided over spring break, maybe we would go to see him. you know the word sayes that are days are ordained even before one of them comes to pass. on the day that we decided to go and visit, God had his hand on us. we get to the office and we end up waiting for over 2 hours before he could see us. we were so mad. come to find out, a tornado went through one of the cities we had passed on the interstate while traveling up there. we had our appt. and everything went good. we were scheduled for i.u.i in the summer, and by the way he said it wouldn't hurt for me to lose some weight. when we went home, seeing all of the devastation made by the tornado, we thanked God for the delay.

we went home and i got to walking to try to lose weight. a few sundays later our pastor handed out a sheet of paper to all of us.he said that we were to write down whatever we had been believing god to do in our life, and he was going to lay them, on this military cot and that we were going to stretch out our hand and pray for whatever was written on the papers. i thought that a little strange, but when your desperate for something you will do anything. several sundays later he also lined up chairs for anyone who wanted prayer to sit in and they would be prayed for. so of course like the faithful obedient girl, i went once again to be prayed for.

well summer came and it was time to go to the doctor. i was nervous and scared and hopeful and excited all in the same breath. we had to stay for two weeks. every day i went in and the nurse gave me a fertility shot and measured my follicles. one day i remember the nurse saying it was time, the follicles were large enough. when she walked out of the room i began to cry and shake, david asked what was the matter and i said i feel like God is telling me that i needed to wait one more day. david said just tell the nurse and it will be ok. when the nurse came back in she noticed that i was crying, i told her that this may seem crazy, but i feel the Lord telling me to wait one more day. i was so scared, but i knew God was telling me to wait. she said that that would be ok.

when we came in the next day to get the shot that would release the follicles, the doctor said we had to many follicles ,and that the only way he would continue, was if we signed a paper that said we would have selective reduction if too many eggs were fertilized. we said no way. we asked if he would let us sign a paper that released him of any responsibility for multiple births. he reluctantly agreed. the i.u.i was done the next day and we could go home.

i will never forget the day we found out we were pregnant. i had come home from an in service, because school was starting. the phone rang, i answered it. it was the nurse. she asked if i was sitting down. i said no. she said you'd better. i knew. i just knew. i don't even remember what she said after that. Praise God i knew. God was faithful, in spite of me. in spite of all of the horrible things i had said and done. He was faithful. i remember going and getting my bible and turning to the story of Hannah in the bible. i remember praising God with the same ferverance that hannah had done when she learned that she was pregnant with samuel. i told God that she would always be dedicated to Him no matter what. even though hannah was born 4 weeks early because i had high blood pressure and my placenta started to come away from the uteran wall, i knew everything would be ok.

p.s. several weeks later i did stand in front of 1,500 people at Christian Life Assembly Church and testify to the goodness of God. we dedicated hannah in that church.

Here is one thing that i know 2 kids later, that nothing can separates us from the love of God. He is forever faithful, forever constant, forever God.