i got busy.......

so after my good cry, i decided to get busy. remember i said i am a planner. every year before school we clean out the girls rooms and closets. i started with rebekah's room. i was getting a little with bekah playing with everything, i guess david could tell because he stopped doing what he was doing, to come and help me. i know, i know, i am INCREDIBLY spoiled. don't matter he will be repaid. here are some before and after pictures.

a little anxious and antsy...

today is two weeks before school starts, i find myself a little anxious and antsy. do you ever get that way? i do. we have alot of new things happening at our school this year. we have a new principal, new teachers coming in and i never know what grade i will be teaching. our enrollment varies every year. so we never know if we are going be moved.

do you ever feel like everything is closing in on you? i do. sometimes. with everything that comes with a new school year and getting everything for the girls that they need for school and getting my classroom ready. i guess if i had to tell you a little about myself, is that we were very poor growing up, i find that i get anxious when it comes to money. we rarely ever got anything new and i want my girls to have such a different life than i did. not only in the temperature in the house, but also in every other way too. i had a good cry today.

i made david sit down and listen to me. sometimes i find my emotions so raw. i just told him everything that i am anxious about. wow he said i didn't realize all that goes on in your mind at once. i am nervous in writing this. i don't know why. have you ever noticed that you can help others with their crisis, but when it comes to your own, you can't even take your own advise. aren't we all supposed to have everything together all the time? i feel like that sometimes. not that anyone ever made me feel like that. it is the pressure i place on myself. do you ever feel like you are becoming everything that you didn't want to become? i want to be such an awesome mother. i know at the bottom of my soul that everything will be alright, it just seems like i have to have a good cry before my soul can get that across to my flesh.

i am working on that with several interventions. God and the word are among the first. this is one of my areas of my life that i am growing in on my spiritual journey with the Lord. i have discovered that i am a worrier. i used to not be. i wonder if that is because i am a mom. i have made incredible progress, but i still have set backs, as we all do.

i am also a planner. i like things neat and orderly. i used to not, but now i do.teaching has had that affect on me. things have to be in order at work or you find yourself with a lesson that was supposed to be 40 minutes lasting only 20. we came up with a plan. at least it is a start.

i guess that is why God has had me studying Philippians. none the less i will trust in the Lord and allow His word to soothe my raw emotions. thank you God for listening. sometimes i just feel better writing things down and talking to you.

ttfn......

bekah you are a hoot......

i forgot to post the funniest thing yesterday.

now i have to tell a little story first so you will understand why this is funny. i was raised baptist and once a month our church would have lunch in our fellowship hall together. i was raised calling it dinner on the grounds.

we were sitting at the table eating breakfast (which rarely happens on Sunday morning, it is usually breeding ground for the enemy)when bekah asked if we were going to eat out with aunt lisa and ro-ro (that's what we call my brother-in-law royce)after service. i said no, we were going to eat at church.

she then replied with all the seriousness she could, Oh!!!! I JUST LOVE IT WHEN WE HAVE DINNER ON THE FLOOR.

david and i just lost it. so much joy out of such a small person.. bekah you crack us up...

could things get any higher??????

today me and the girls went to but groceries at wal-mart. i am constantly surprised at the rising cost of things. now you must remember when david and i first got married we could live on $50 of groceries for two weeks. you know, buying on package of hot dogs and making them last for two meals. we were very poor. we would make a pot of spaghetii last for three if not four meals. it astounds me that milk at w.m. is $4.27 a gallon. i remember when it was $1.19. i am floored. don't worry no need take up a collection, i am just floored at the rising cost of things. here's a little tid bit.... my mom fed 9 people in the 70's ( i had 3 big brothers and one sister that could eat like the boys) for what she could feed just her and dad in the 90's.

here is something else that amazes me. david and i just a few short years could order two meals at almost any restaurant for a little under $20.00. now when we go to eat out and most the time david and i split and hannah and bekah split and it runs us about $32.00.

david and i feel very blessed,but geez where does it end? i guess i am still the little girl who lives in a live farm house in the country. i still think everything should be the same price it was back then.

p.s. Thank you God, that you provide, so that i can feed my family. i work with many children whose parents barely can. Please make their provisions stretch far, far.

family fun.......

here are some pictures from our vacation. we had such a great time. God was so good to us he made it rain just enough to cool off the heat of the day.

used of You......................

hey we are back. we got home about 4:30 ish on friday. we had a great trip. it rained alot but just at the right times to cool off the heat of the day. sea world was great and so was the river walk. we took our kids to the imax. they loved it and so did i. it was a refreshing family time. hannah and rebekah are funny so we had alot of laughs. i have alot of pictures that i will down load later. hannah took my camera batteries to listen to her c.d. player on the way home and i have not gotten them back from her.

i have always loved my girls, but i do find that the older they get the more i enjoy spending time with them. please don't take that the wrong way, its just as they get older there is a whole world that you get to experience with them and through their eyes. i am a blessed woman. our relationships finds new territory on a daily basis. and that is exciting to me. i find myself often reflecting on what God holds in store for them and doing alot of praying.

my children complete me. they make me proud to be a mother. i know it is truly only God that completes us, so please understand what i am trying to say. a mother is supposed to love her children, but i find myself falling in love with them more and more everyday. everyday i find simplistic joy in just being with them and watching them grow into the blossoming young ladies that God has intended them to be and i am thankful that i am a part of it. i find that i am truly in the will of God when i am mothering them. that may sound silly, but that is how i feel.

today i was searching the scriptures to quiet my spirit and i stumbled across these scriptures: i am currently studying Philippians and the psalms. here is what i read today.
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger
and rich in love. The Lord is good to all, he has compassion
on all He has made. The Lord is near to all who call on Him,
to all who call on Him in truth. He fulfills the desires of all
who fear Him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches
over all who love him. Psalm: 145

Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say rejoice. Let your
gentleness be know to all mankind.

i am beginning a new quest in my life. i have just finished reading the second book in the series, and i am so moved. the main character in the book has endured horrific things and she (even though fictitious) has made a huge impact on my life. she never returned an unkind word or thought towards others that were horrible to her and even tried to end her life. she had absolute faith in Christ. she knew that all things work together to the glory of God. my new quest is to be such a blessing to everyone i am around and know. to love everyone as Christ loves them. i want to become a selfless person. to always put others needs and wants ahead of my own. i want to have such a servants heart.i want to love those that don't love me. i want to bless those who haven't been blessed in a life time. i want to be friend the friendless. i know this is a life long mission and the goal may not be reached until i enter heaven. i want Jesus to fill me with such peace and joy that it is automatically imparted to others i come in contact with. i want to not grow weary in doing good for in due time a crop will be harvested. i want to be instant in season and out of season. Jesus i ask that you go before me and lead the way my heart is so willing but my flesh is so stubborn. i thank you that nothing is impossible with You. My constant abiding love.

a look into my life................

i am sitting here at the computer, sunday night late, wanting to write something and not really knowing what to write.

i decided i would write about the miracle of how hannah came to be.i met david when i was 20. he was larger than life and i knew the night i met him, that we would marry. for me it was love at first sight. david and i got married at 22 just a few years later we decided we would begin a family. i remember in our wedding book, there was a page that was titled hopes and dreams, that God would do miraculous things through us in our marriage. it was a marriage made in heaven. we didn't have any money at all.we were so poor. but we were in love and that was all that mattered. i hadn't even finished college, but we thought we were ready. we were about 24. we were full of hopes and dreams, like most people have when they decide to begin a family. our child would have david's sense of humor and my brown eyes. they would be very funny just like their dad.

we began trying and a year flew by, nothing happened.we weren't really worried about it, but decided to go to my gyn. doctor. knowing that he would be able to help us, with something, and soon enough we would be pregnant. we were living in a one bedroom tiny apartment at the time. it was so small. but that didn't matter. well we did go to the doctor, and he put us on clomid. and what do you know we were pregnant within three months. i was so elated. there are no words to describe how david and i felt. i was on a mountain top. i called everybody in my life, even those that weren't, to tell them the good news. Wow God was faithful. we were attending Grace Fellowship at the time. that is where we met becky and andy dickson. our church family was so excited for us. we all celebrated. i had started back to college to become a teacher at the time. we found our we were pregnant in the late summer or early fall.

i remember beginning to spot around ten weeks, nobody really thought much about it. neither did i. but i went in to have a sonogram. we saw the heartbeat and everything was fine. earlier the next week, i began to spot again and went into the emergency room, because it was a sunday night. they did another sonogram and said just to go home and take it easy. i went in the next morning to my doctor and they said they could no longer find a heartbeat. they sent me across the street to shannon to have a better sonogram. they came up with the same conclusion. as we sat in the doctors office, he began to tell me that i had a choice, i could wait a few days and have the miscarriage naturally or i could schedule a d and c. i said i would like to wait a few days. he said either way they would have to go in and make sure that everything was ok. i left the room knowing that God would use us in someway in this, and that he was in control. i even remember witnessing to the doctor as he told me i was taking this very well. i went to the ladies of the church to see what i should do and was met with the old speech if you have enough faith God would bring my baby back. i remember them shattering the faith that i had, thinking that i had caused this somehow. but God was so gracious to me. he sent me two beautiful women who had been through the same thing and they told me that it was very painful to have the miscarriage naturally, and that the doctors would have to go in there and check things out anyway. they said to ease my heart, to have one more sonogram, before the d and c began just to make sure their was no heartbeat. their words brought much comfort to me and i followed their advice.

i lost our first baby the fall that i graduated, from college. i remember feeling so numb. but somehow i knew that God would take care of us. little did i know that the real trial was about to began. it was after christmas, that i remember my world starting to crumble. i really thought that we would get pregnant just as soon as we learned it was safe to begin again. but that did not happen. and that is where the inner struggle began. every month i would have a new revelation of when we would conceive. i was going to have twins, nope that was not for me, it was for my little sister. she became pregnant with twins. ok try again, i am going to have the first son on the poynor side, nope that was my sister-in-law in dallas. ok i was going to have a little brown haired brown eyed boy, nope that was my best friend from high school that i was still in touch with. ok God i know your up there was my last desperate cry. i'll never forget the night that my sister-in-law called to tell us that they were accidentally pregnant. they already had a daughter that was in jr.high and another in 5th grade. i was so devastated. we lived about six blocks away from david's parents. my mom-in-law looked at me to see if i was ok, i shook my head yes, but inside i thought i was being punished. maybe if, i was catholic, ( my in laws are)maybe if i...... you fill in the blank. i remember walking out of their house david following behind me, i just turned to david and said, please i just want to walk home by myself. he let me.

as i walked home, i just cried out to God out loud, if i had cancer you would help me,if i was a drug addict, if i was a prostitute you would care. but i am just this stupid servant girl who has loved you all of her life, served you, taught sunday school, did the youth group, tithed, and where are you. you are nowhere that i am. i remember walking and yelling at God for a long time. i got home later that night, i just went to bed. i didn't get out of bed for three days.

during that three days, i just laid in bed crying out to God, where are you? when i finally fell asleep, i had a dream. in this dream, i was in a hole in the ground screaming and yelling for anyone to help me, please someone help me. no one did. i just sat in this hole, begging and crying for anyone to come and lift me out. i looked up, and there shone a brilliant light. it was God. and in the dream He said that one day i would stand in front of a large crowd and tell my testimony of how God had delivered from us from infertility, and blessed us with a child.

now you think i would have awaken with a renewed heart, a fresh hope, but i didn't, i was so angry. i got out of bed that morning only to start searching the scripture to prove that God was a liar. i searched the scriptures high and low to find one woman in the bible who asked God for a child, and He hadn't delivered one. i remember i became very bitter and angry and very difficult to be around. david and i were still in faithful attendance to church, but i was dead in side. oh don't get me wrong i knew how to put on a happy smile and fake it. but inside, i was a hollow shell.

in the fall of 95, david and i moved to dallas. we needed a fresh start and i couldn't find a job in san angelo. so we moved to addison. God was so merciful to me, even though i was still trying to prove that He was not faithful, He provided me with a great job at little elm texas. i was going to teach 4th grade. i had stopped searching the scriptures to discredit God, i had started to try to find real living people who He had not been faithful to in this area.

we started going to Christian Life Assembly, which is right down the street from prestonwood baptist church, it wasn't there then. we fell in love with that church and began helping with the youth. i was loving my job and church, but i was still numb inside and began to eat away the hurt. every little girl, in my class, i looked at might be what my little girl might look like, every little boy would be the answer to david's dream. i ate myself to 199lbs. food was my drug of choice. i just kept pushing those feelings of rejection by God, further and further down with each bite of food. we stopped trying to get pregnant with the aides of drugs, because a dr. in san angelo told us we would never get pregnant, and frankly i just didn't have it in me anymore.

after my first year of teaching, one day, my sister called me and told me i ought to go and try dr. martin in san antonio. i was so frighted, if we tried again with a real fertility doctor and it failed, then that was truly the end of the rope. i just couldn't. i had slowly began to make peace with God, during that first year of teaching, that it just wasn't His will for me to have children, and that I loved Him, and i could except that my life just would not include me having my own children. i had other children that i could make a difference in their life. Plus maybe david and i could maybe adopt one day. anyway she kept bugging me and we decided over spring break, maybe we would go to see him. you know the word sayes that are days are ordained even before one of them comes to pass. on the day that we decided to go and visit, God had his hand on us. we get to the office and we end up waiting for over 2 hours before he could see us. we were so mad. come to find out, a tornado went through one of the cities we had passed on the interstate while traveling up there. we had our appt. and everything went good. we were scheduled for i.u.i in the summer, and by the way he said it wouldn't hurt for me to lose some weight. when we went home, seeing all of the devastation made by the tornado, we thanked God for the delay.

we went home and i got to walking to try to lose weight. a few sundays later our pastor handed out a sheet of paper to all of us.he said that we were to write down whatever we had been believing god to do in our life, and he was going to lay them, on this military cot and that we were going to stretch out our hand and pray for whatever was written on the papers. i thought that a little strange, but when your desperate for something you will do anything. several sundays later he also lined up chairs for anyone who wanted prayer to sit in and they would be prayed for. so of course like the faithful obedient girl, i went once again to be prayed for.

well summer came and it was time to go to the doctor. i was nervous and scared and hopeful and excited all in the same breath. we had to stay for two weeks. every day i went in and the nurse gave me a fertility shot and measured my follicles. one day i remember the nurse saying it was time, the follicles were large enough. when she walked out of the room i began to cry and shake, david asked what was the matter and i said i feel like God is telling me that i needed to wait one more day. david said just tell the nurse and it will be ok. when the nurse came back in she noticed that i was crying, i told her that this may seem crazy, but i feel the Lord telling me to wait one more day. i was so scared, but i knew God was telling me to wait. she said that that would be ok.

when we came in the next day to get the shot that would release the follicles, the doctor said we had to many follicles ,and that the only way he would continue, was if we signed a paper that said we would have selective reduction if too many eggs were fertilized. we said no way. we asked if he would let us sign a paper that released him of any responsibility for multiple births. he reluctantly agreed. the i.u.i was done the next day and we could go home.

i will never forget the day we found out we were pregnant. i had come home from an in service, because school was starting. the phone rang, i answered it. it was the nurse. she asked if i was sitting down. i said no. she said you'd better. i knew. i just knew. i don't even remember what she said after that. Praise God i knew. God was faithful, in spite of me. in spite of all of the horrible things i had said and done. He was faithful. i remember going and getting my bible and turning to the story of Hannah in the bible. i remember praising God with the same ferverance that hannah had done when she learned that she was pregnant with samuel. i told God that she would always be dedicated to Him no matter what. even though hannah was born 4 weeks early because i had high blood pressure and my placenta started to come away from the uteran wall, i knew everything would be ok.

p.s. several weeks later i did stand in front of 1,500 people at Christian Life Assembly Church and testify to the goodness of God. we dedicated hannah in that church.

Here is one thing that i know 2 kids later, that nothing can separates us from the love of God. He is forever faithful, forever constant, forever God.